Our Nation Is Under Threat Now That We Know Guns Kill People

This article is a satire piece.
As the dust begins to settle on one of the most violent weekends ever seen in America, authorities are coming to terms with the fact that we may be at the start of a mass murder spree never seen before on our shores.
Since Friday night, the murder rate across the country has been at an all time high and, terrifyingly, the killers have all fit the same description; steel, with a barrel and trigger.  We are now facing the frightening reality that guns do indeed kill people.
The first of the killings happened at a home in upstate New York, when a 20 year old male returned home from work to find his revolver holding his wife and children hostage. As he walked in the door, the gun shot him three times, killing him instantly. His family fled and called the authorities. After a tense stand off, heavily armed police stormed the house to find the gun lying on the floor. It was immediately detained and taken in for questioning.
A couple of hours later, a 45 year old man was at his local shooting range in Charlotte, NC, when he became another statistic thanks to a shotgun shooting him in the chest. A witness to the murder told police, “It was the craziest thing I’ve ever seen. One minute he was shooting clays, the next he was reloading and the gun jumped out of his hand, landed on the ground and blew a hole in him. Then, it just lay there.” An off duty police officer managed to unload the gun and hold it until the police arrived to take it away. When asked if they have a motive for the killing, Officer Williams Myers of the Charlotte Police Department told press that they have questioned the gun but it is remaining silent. He also added that he is working with the FBI to find if the shooting is connected to other cases of guns killing people. He said, “The M.O. is the same in every case. The gun fires a lethal round, killing either its owner, or an innocent bystander, and then just lies there. It doesn’t run and it doesn’t talk when questioned. It’s as if it’s lifeless. It shows no remorse at all. In all my years as a police officer, I’ve never come across a more cold blooded killer.”
As the weekend went on, news began to spread across social media about “Killer Guns.” Gun owners locked their guns in their safes after hearing about killings up and down the country. By Saturday night, guns were killing people in almost every major city. Everywhere from up dark alleys, in areas of high crime, in liquor stores and even in family homes in quiet neighborhoods, guns were to blame for deaths. Every single time, the gun would be found either at the scene, or hiding in a bush or trashcan nearby.
By late Sunday night, the White House made a statement about the killings saying, “For too long now, Americans have been living in the threat of gun violence. Now, that threat is reality as guns across the country are killing people. It’s time to ban them completely.”
By Monday morning, the number of deaths by guns was at 103. Fortunately, in every case, the gun had been caught without incident and each one is being held in a secure facility and questioned by authorities. At time of writing, the guns have yet to tell police why they started killing people. What we do know is that now that we have the proof that Guns Kill People, we must work together in making sure they never do it again.
This article is a satire piece